| Jan. 13th, 2006 @ 11:48 pm . . . . . . . . . . . . |
|---|
Current Mood:  blank
Im so fucking fed up with this bullshit I call my life.
I am so done with this world and the motherfuckers that breathe the same air I do.
I am one stupid bitch.
I have let this world repeatedly rape me over and over and over again.
This must be my hell because for some reason God made sure that from the second
I was conceived that I was to have an enormous amount of understanding
about the world around me and about life itself.
It doesn't matter how perfect I am, how determined I am, how much I yearn for things
that not only am I not to get it, but Im to have people brutally remind me,
that I am absolutly nothing.
Well you know what people,
I give in.
You've won this battle.
Im finished.
You've succeeded in breaking me.
You've broken my soul.
Literally my body feels like if I would lay down and close my eyes,
that most likely I would never wake up again.
I can feel it.
Its whats calling me right now.
I keep swaying even as Im typing and I can feel this sense of release.
This feeling of nothing and its so strong that I could just vomit right now.
I would probably vomit my heart like I had to burp and then Id probably stare at it and then
and that would be it. Id simply exhale and then Id be no more.
It sucks because due to the fact that I am so very aware I know that I could never commit suicide.
Theres something in me that tells me that I was given life, this thing that no one could ever
fully understand how heavy, how enormous, how fantastic, life itself is that
unless its taken away from me by my Maker there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
You people, u Amazing teachers have taught me how unnecessary I am, how unimportant I am.
No matter what I think Im doing trying to make a mark in this world, i am and will always be nothing,
No matter what color i am you've taught me that i am colorless, and not colorless in the way i wished
for the world to view me. You taught me that i am oderless, no matter what makes me gasy or what
"sweet smelling" disguting acid u all refer to as perfume i use to stain my flesh in order to make
myself more appealing, or that I am eternally mute no matter what flows out of my mouth, like singing,
putting out an album with my siblings,having you all who have really heard me tell me how blessed my voice
sounds, or through my normal way of communication, by talking whether it sound intelligent or ghetto,cursed or
didnt curse or sounds ive tried to create using my handsby learning to play the piano and the guitar or through
my writingwhat you all have told me were amazing stories, A+ graded essays, and creative poems. It doesn't matter
how pretty i am or how pretty I could make myself you all have made sure that i learned that air is more solid
than i am by never touching me, never hugging me, never holding me or comforting even when it was all i yearned
from you my "family" and you my "friends". Maybe thats y i always want to be around kids, they say that they
can see what others cant, what grown ups cant. There the only ones who will hug me, who
aren't disgusted to love me. i now understand y you all whisper those sweet, tempting, intoxicating
nothings in my innocent eager desperate ears, you're all so aware of how much i want to be needed.
Of course it makes it that much sweeter for you all when you hold that knife to my face and then gut me with
it. You pretend to care, that way u can rape me for whatever it is you want. Well im no longer trying to get
ur attention. From now on, don't bother trying to lure me. im already waiting
to do ur bidding. you need advice i'll give it, you want my money take it, you want me to give 100%
for next to nothing, i'll give u 300% and you can abuse me all you want. Theres no longer a reason for
me to try so hard with everything, because i understand now that i'll still be nothing in everyone's eyes.
At least now i am a true nothing, a nothing thats been broken. |
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letsc's journal
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